Jokes | चुटकुले

Patient: Doctor, You Must Help Me.
I Keep Losing My Temper With People.
Doctor: Tell Me About Your Problem.
Patient: I Just Did, You Stupid Bastard.

A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician office for a checkup. 'Remember,' the doctor said, 'don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball when you're off the field.' Then he added, 'By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?'

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
'Where are you hurting?' asked the doctor.
'You have to help me, I hurt all over', said the woman.
'What do you mean, all over?' asked the doctor, 'be a little more specific.'

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, 'Ow, that hurts.' Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, 'Ouch! That hurts, too.' Then she touched her right earlobe, 'Ow, even THAT hurts', she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, 'You have a broken finger.'

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
'What's the matter with me?' he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, 'You're not eating properly.'

Doctor: 'I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's'
Patient: 'Well, at least I don't have cancer'

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

'I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time,' the doctor says.

'Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?' the man asks.

'10...' says the doctor.

'10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!' he asks desperately.

'10...9...8...7...'

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
'You aren't so good in bed either!' he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
'What took you so long to answer?'
'I was in bed.'
'What were you doing in bed this late?'
'Getting a second opinion.'

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: 'I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.'

'Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone.'

A man speaks frantically into the phone, 'My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!'
'Is this her first child?' the doctor queries.
'No, you idiot!' the man shouts. 'This is her husband!

Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?'
'Yes, of course...'
'Great! I never could before!'

Doctor, doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!'
'Do you drink a lot?'
'Not really - I spill most of it!'

Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade.'
'Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?'
'Yea, I shaved with the electric razor.'

एक लड़का अचानक लड़की देखकर शायर बन गया, 😂
” लफ्ज़ तेरे, गीत मेरे, ग़ज़ल कोई सुना डालू क्या ? “
लड़की बोली ” हाथ मेरे, गाल तेरे, कान के निचे बजा डालू क्या ? 😝😜😁

संता 👔 एक बड़ी कंपनी में इंटरव्यू देने गया ,
बॉस – बधाई 👏 हो, आप को सलेक्ट कर लिया गया है ,
आपकी सैलरी पहले साल 6 लाख /साल होगी,
फिर अगले साल बढाकर 10 लाख /साल कर दी जाएगी ,
संता बैग उठा के जाने लगा 😳 ,
बॉस -क्या हुआ ? संता – मैं अगले साल ही आऊंगा बॉस बेहोश 😃😜😝😂®

पापा और 12 साल का बेटा एक होटल में गए,
पापा- वेटर एक बियर 🍺 और एक आईसक्रीम लाओ 🍦,
बेटा – आईसक्रीम 🍦 क्यों पापा, आप भी बियर 🍺 लीजिये ना,
दे..चप्पल 👟..पे..चप्पल 👟.

Employee : “हेलो बॉस, मुझे टेररिस्ट ने पकड़ लिया है,
दोनों हाथ काट दिए, आँख फोड़ दी, किडनी निकाल ली ”
Boss : देख ले…. हो सके तो आजा, आज Audit है. 😝😝😝

आज अमेरिका की लड़किया लड़ाकू विमान चला रही हैं और
हमारे देश कि लड़किया अभी तक ये पूछने में व्यस्त है की
” मेले बाबू ने खाना खाया ” 👄😘

आज मैंने इक दोस्त के 3 बार फोन करयो उने एक बार भी नी उठायो,
फिर मैेने एक मैसेज भेज्यो “वा थारा नम्बर मांगी री थी”,
30 बार फोन अई गयो अब मैं नी उठई रियो हूँ. 😜😝😁

एक बार ‪#‎मायावती‬ भाषण दे रही थी बोली – मैने सारी दुनिया देख रखी है,
अौर दुनिया के # कौने कौने मै जा चुकी हुं,
इतनै मे भीङ में बेठै प्रशांत नै कहा क्यो झुठ बोलती हो,
कभी सुसराल गयी है…क्या 😀😀😆😂😆

ति ने पत्नी को मेसेज भेजा-
‘मेरी जिंदगी इतनी प्यारी, इतनी खूबसूरत बनाने के लिए
तुम्हारा शुक्रिया।
मैं आज जो भी हूं, सिर्फ तुम्हारी वजह से हूं। तुम मेरे जीवन
में एक फरिश्ता बनकर आई हो और तुमने ही मुझे जीने का
मकसद दिया है। लव यू …’
.
पत्नी ने रिप्लाई किया-
.
‘मार लिया चौथा पैग??? आ जाओ घर कुछ नही कहूँगी। :
.
“पति – बाहर खड़ा हूँ , गेट खोल दे “😝😝😝😂😂😂

लड़का लड़की को अपनी कार में बिठा कर
ले जा रहा था…,
लड़की: – हम कहाँ जा रहे है…???
लड़का: – लॉन्ग ड्राइव पे…,
लड़की: – वाओ, पहले क्यों नहीं बताया…?
लड़का: – मुझे खुद अभी पता चला,
लड़की: – कैसे…???
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
लड़का: – ब्रेक नहीं लग रहे

आज स्मार्टफोन का साईड इफेक्ट देखने
को मिला है…!!!
सुबह जब में रास्ते से गुजर रहा था, तो सामने ही
एक आदमी अखबार पढ़ रहा था ।
और
वो अखबार में छपे फोटो को भी उंगलियों से Zoom करने की
कोशिश कर रहा था… 🙂 🙂 🙂

Santa Asked Banta: Why Manmohan Singh Goes For A Walk In Evening?
Banta: Very Simple, Because He Is Pm Not Am.

Santa Ka Interview
Santa Police K Interview Par
Interviewer-Bhiid Ko Titar Bitar Karne K Liye Kya Karna Chahiye ?
Santa-Chanda Mangna Shuru Kar Dena Chahiye.

Santa :Meri Bevi Itna Mazak Krti Hy
K Kya Bataon
.
.
Dost:Kya Mazak Krti Ha?
.
.
.
.
Santa :Kal Mai Ghar Gya Uski
Ankhon Par Hath Rakha Or Wo
Mazak Ma Boli
Dudhwala.

Santa In Court
Santa Went To Court,
Judge: Order Order.
Santa: 1 Pizza, 2 Dosa, 3 Idli & 1 Cold Drink.
Judge: Shut Up.
Santa: No,No 7Up.

Santa Dukhi Tha
Kisi Ne Pucha: Kyu Tension Me Ho?
Santa: Yaar Ek Dost Ko Plastic Surgery K Liye 2 Lakh Diye,
Ab Saale Ko Pehchan Nahi Pa Raha Hu

Santa Doctor Ke Pass
Dr:Which Soap U Use?
Santa: Gopal Soap,Gopal Paste,Gopal Brush .
Dr: Is Gopal An International Company ?
Santa: No Gopal Is My Roommate.

Santa In Coffee Shop Wth Wife.

Santar:Jldi Pi, Coffee Thandi Ho Jaye Gi.

Wife:Ki Frk Painda Hai?

Srdar: Bywakof Rate List Dekh Hot Coffee Rs.15 Cold Coffee.45

Santa Apne Father K Samne Cigrate Pi Raha Tha Logon Ne Kaha Ke Aap Apne Father Ke Samne Cigratte Pi Rahay Ho? Santa Bola : Wo Mera Father Hai, Koi Petrol Pump Thodi.

Santa Banta Watching Match Dhoni Ne 6 Mara
Santa- Dekh Dekh, Goal Hua Banta- Abe,
Tu Pagal Hi Rahega ….Goal Isme Nahi Cricket Me Hota H